Dementia affects millions of people in the UK, with conditions such as Alzheimer’s disease impacting memory, communication and cognitive function. While families and carers often mean well, it’s easy to say things – out of frustration, confusion or habit – that can upset or confuse someone living with dementia.
If you care for or spend time with someone affected, it’s important to understand the impact that your words can have. Seemingly harmless comments can feel patronising, disorienting or even distressing.
What not to say to someone with dementia
When supporting someone with dementia, communication matters just as much as practical care. The following phrases can unintentionally cause confusion, frustration, or distress. So here are 20 common things to avoid, and what you can say instead to foster comfort and connection.
1. “Do you remember me?”
This question puts someone on the spot and can cause embarrassment if they don’t recall who you are.
Try instead: “It’s lovely to see you again. I’m [your name], we met at…” Offer context without expectation.
2. “I’ve already told you that”
Repetition is common with dementia. Responding with irritation can make them feel scolded or ashamed.
Try instead: Repeat your answer patiently, or gently change the subject if it helps ease anxiety.
3. “You asked me that five times already.”
Pointing out repetition only adds frustration. It’s not something they can control.
Try instead: Maintain a calm tone and answer as if it’s the first time.
4. “You’re wrong.”
Even if their facts are confused, correcting them bluntly can lead to distress or agitation.
Try instead: Validate the emotion, not the accuracy. “That sounds important. Tell me more.”
5. “You can’t do that anymore.”
Highlighting lost abilities can dent confidence and independence.
Try instead: Encourage what they can do. Offer support subtly if needed.
6. “That person died years ago.”
If they mention someone who has passed away, reminding them of the loss can be traumatic.
Try instead: Acknowledge the bond. “You really loved your sister. What was she like?”
7. “What day is it?” or “what year is it?”
These types of questions can feel like tests and leave them feeling confused or inadequate.
Try instead: Gently offer information if relevant. “It’s Tuesday today. I thought we might go for a walk.”
8. “You’re not making any sense.”
This can feel dismissive or belittling, even if their words are jumbled.
Try instead: Listen closely. Reassure with kind gestures or simple follow-up questions.
9. “You just ate.”
They may feel hungry due to memory gaps or medication side effects.
Try instead: Offer a light snack or drink. Focus on comfort, not correction.
10. “Calm down.”
Telling someone to calm down rarely works and may escalate agitation.
Try instead: Speak in a soothing voice and create a calm environment. Empathy helps more than instruction.
11. “It’s not that hard.”
Tasks you find easy may be overwhelming for someone with dementia.
Try instead: Offer support and break down steps. Encourage, don’t criticise.
12. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Memory lapses and confusion are part of dementia. Don’t blame them for what they can’t recall.
Try instead: Focus on resolving the issue, not questioning the past.
13. “You’re being difficult.”
Behaviour changes often stem from unmet needs or confusion, not stubbornness.
Try instead: Look for what might be causing distress and respond with empathy.
14. “No, that’s not how it happened.”
Arguing over facts rarely helps and may lead to frustration on both sides.
Try instead: Enter their reality. If they believe it’s 1972, it’s okay to go with them.
15. “You should know this.”
Dementia affects recall unpredictably. Expecting consistency sets them up to fail.
Try instead: Gently prompt or help fill in the blanks without pointing it out.
16. “We’ve been through this already.”
Rehashing past conversations can feel accusatory.
Try instead: Treat each question as new. Their brain may genuinely be experiencing it for the first time.
17. “You can’t live on your own anymore.”
Statements like this can trigger fear, anger or resistance.
Try instead: Involve them in conversations about safety and support. Let them feel heard.
18. “That’s not your name.”
Some people with dementia may refer to themselves or others differently, or forget familiar names.
Try instead: Go with it, unless it’s important to clarify. Prioritise peace over precision.
19. “What did you do this morning?”
Open-ended memory questions can cause anxiety if they don’t recall.
Try instead: Offer a cue. “This morning we went to the garden, did you enjoy the flowers?”
20. “You’re fine.”
Downplaying their feelings may seem reassuring but can make them feel dismissed.
Try instead: Acknowledge how they feel. “I’m sorry you’re upset. I’m here with you.”
Supporting someone with dementia takes patience and understanding
Living with dementia isn’t just about memory loss. It’s a daily challenge that affects emotions, confidence and independence. As a carer, family member or friend, the way you speak can have a powerful effect.
By choosing your words carefully and responding calmly and with empathy, you can help preserve dignity and create moments of reassurance, even in confusion.
Specialist dementia care at home
At Prestige Nursing & Care, we understand the unique challenges of dementia. That’s why we provide compassionate, tailored dementia care in the comfort of home, so your loved one can continue to enjoy familiar surroundings, routines and relationships.
From support with daily activities to specialist dementia care plans, our experienced carers are trained to communicate with patience, compassion and respect, ensuring safety and emotional wellbeing at every stage of the condition.
Get the right support for your loved one
For 80 years, Prestige Nursing & Care has been trusted by our clients and their families to provide competent and compassionate home care. Our care is focused on improving health and overall well-being, and all in the place people love most – their own homes.
Call us on 0808 239 1525 and our friendly care experts will discuss your care and support needs. You can also fill out our online enquiry form or email info@prestige-nursing.co.uk. We provide impartial guidance and advice so you can make the right choice for you and your family.
